Saturday, May 31, 2014

Prank the Big Bald Man

Dear 6-11 very faithful readers,

Today has been a very strange day. I awoke at 3am. After some time of lying in bed wishing it was not 3am, I decided that I would be glad that I awoke so early, and go out into the world to "carpe diem." This mindset lasted about 9 1/4 minutes, at which point I re-encountered the reality that I was awake at 3am. Cursing ensued.

However, I then managed to dress myself, and I drove to school, planning to get my reading done for classes (I was "on panel" today, which meant that I needed to know the cases we were going over very well). Unfortunately, upon sitting down in the classroom I happened to open my computer. This was, in hindsight, a poor choice.

Basically, I spent the majority of my day readings ridiculous blogs. There was much laughter and joyness. The angels wept with happiness. And I was able to tune out the horrible voices of my law school professors. I'm sure it was something important but I can't be bothered...there was comedy, and comedy always wins out over the law. Until exam time. Then being funny is no longer so much fun. Mostly because one is then $40,000 in debt and has nothing to show for it. But I digress...

These, dear friends, are the websites within which I spent precious hours of my life. I want to claim credit for introducing you to them so that you may also invest many minutes of consciousness into them. You will owe me Wookie Life Debts, which I very much enjoy collecting (my buddy Ben once owed me 8 WLDs. It was grand). First, the cute website that still causes great laughter. Second, the incredibly hilarious and unabashedly outrageous website that almost got me in big trouble for lol in class.

If you clicked on those links, you have probably already forgotten about me as I am no longer remotely interesting. Despite this fact I am going to continue writing as it is possible one or two of you did not click on the links and still believe that I am somewhat funny. Poor bastards. Anyone who clicked on either of those links may now compare my own blog with theirs. The result of this comparison is that I no longer will have 6-11 very faithful readers.

However, I am taking action to address this possible hemorrhage of followers. I have just consumed one bottle of hearty burgundy wine and am sure that the effects of such liquid will ensure hilarity comparable with those earlier bloggers. Never mind that the bottle cost only $4.39. Or that I actually was aided in it's finishing by a girl. Or that I finished it at least an hour ago and the effects are beginning to wear off. I will still be very, very funny.

I have, in my possession, emails which I find quite entertaining. In February of the Year of Our Lord 2010 (I got it right this time, Kori), the Lawless Heirs were conducting initiations to induct new members. During this initiation process, it became clear that many of the students and staff believed the Lawless Heirs capable of just about anything. And by anything, I mean anything. As the following emails will illustrate.

From: Dan Dentino
To: Daniel Montgomery; Marcellino D'Ambrosio
Subject: quick question


I heard a rumor last night. About a fight club that meets on campus
in the wee hours. Have you heard anything about this?

Daniel A. Dentino, Ph.D.
Vice President for Student Affairs
Dean of Students
Ave Maria University

From: Daniel Montgomery
To: Dan Dentino
Subject: Re: quick question

What kind of a fight club? Like "Fight Club" fight club or like kids
playing games?

From: Dan Dentino
To: Daniel Montgomery
Subject: Re:Re: quick question

I don't know. Just that guys get together to fight and then howl at

I know. I feel silly bringing this up, but I wanted to ask.
Someone mentioned that it might be something that Lawless Heirs is
part of...
From: Daniel Montgomery
To: Dan Dentino
Subject: Re:Re:Re: quick question

As Lawless Heirs, we reserve the right to run amuck and then howl at
night, lol. As far as I know, there's no group at Ave that meets at
night to beat the crap out of each other and plan the destruction of
the world's economic infrastructure.

We only do that in the daytime.


I'm kindof happy that this rumor exists though - obviously people
must think us CAPABLE of something like that, which I will report to
the Household and which will give us all great joy. Our reputation
now far precedes us!! Reputation is successful when people attribute
things to you that you haven't done yet but WOULD do - that means
it's doing your work for you!!


From: Dan Dentino
To: Daniel Montgomery
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re: quick question

i just laughed out loud during the senior staff meeting.

[After receiving these emails from Dean Dentino (who btw is one of my greatest friends), Marcellino and I decided to see how far we could take this. We instructed our initiates to communicate serious fear regarding our initiation practices to Lilly Bermudez, who was aiding the Mission and Outreach office and who was in charge of all households. Mike Santchsi is a current Lawless Heir, but at the time was still initiating. Other emails, which I do not have copies of but which are referenced within, aided the below process.]

From: Daniel Montgomery
To: Michael Santchsi
Subject: Initiation

Hey Mikey,

Read these emails for a good laugh!! Basically, everyone is spreading crazy rumors and that makes us happy. We want to spread more. All our initiates are going to spread insane rumors about our household and especially to Dan Dentino because it's hilarious.

Basically, I want you to either email or write Emilia (Lilly) Bermudez who works in Mission and Outreach and give her the following:

Dear Ms. Bermudez,

I feel silly bringing this up, but I wanted to ask. Someone mentioned that the Lawless Heirs initiation process involves some really crazy stuff. I want to join, but some of the things I've heard are really scary. Have you heard anything about circumcision on campus? 2 guys left the household and the school last semester and I just want to be careful. Can you email Dean Dentino with my concern? I don't want to get anyone in the household in trouble, but maybe he knows more about their initiation process. Can you just take my name off this email and forward it to him? Thanks alot!

This is going to be hilarious. The rumor campaign has begun!! What we want is for this to reach Dean Dentino so he has to email us some more and we can make more fun of him. That's the main objective. Scary enough so he emails us, ridiculous enough that we can make fun of him afterwards. Let me know if you have any questions.

- Monty

To: Emilia Bermudez
From: Michael Santchsi

Dear Ms. Bermudez,

I feel silly bringing this up, but I wanted to ask. Someone mentioned that the Lawless Heirs initiation process involves some really crazy stuff. I want to join household because I like their Charism and because I think that the guys are cool, but some of the things I've heard are really scary. Moreover, as I get to know them all better, I'm starting to wonder if the rumors might be true. Have you heard anything about circumcision on campus, or about digging up buried bones? I heard that two guys from the heirs left both the household and the school last semester and I just want to be careful. I know that Dean Dentino is their coordinator, do you think you could email him with with my concern? I don't want to get anyone in the household in trouble, but maybe he knows more about their initiation process. Finally, I don't want to jeopardize my chances if my concerns are unfounded. Do you think you couldtake my name off this email before you send it to him? Thanks!

In Christ,
Michael Santschi

To: Michael Santchsi
From: Emilia Bermudez
Subject: Re:

Dear Michael,

You are the second person who approached me (by email) today and expressed the same concerns. I am concerned now too. If the Lawless heirs are doing these things (which are wrong, disrespectful and dangerous) they need to stop. I will refrain from using your name or that of the person who emailed me before about the same issues as I go about approaching the proper authorities such as Luke Condit (who deals with all disciplinary issues and knows how to handle these things and investigate them). You did the right thing emailing me about it, my job is to help and oversee households, I appreciate that.

In Christ,
To: Daniel Montgomery; Marcellino D'Ambrosio
From: Dan Dentino
Subject: meeting

When can we meet tomorrow? I’d like to discuss (and review) your initiation procedures for the Lawless Heirs. If notoriety is your aim, you have been quite successful. I am hearing some things that I find to be, quite honestly, disturbing (if true). I am available from 10:30-11:30, then again between 3:30-5pm. I look forward to speaking with you both.

Daniel A. Dentino, Ph.D.
Vice President for Student Affairs
Dean of Students
Ave Maria University

To: Daniel Montgomery; Michael Santchsi
From: Marcellino D'Ambrosio
Subject: Re: FW: Re:

Dude. I can't believe that she thinks we circumcise our initiates. That's so outrageous. I can't wait to talk to Dentino tomorrow. This is going to be the most ridiculous meeting I've ever had. Period. You rock Santschi, we'll let you know how to go about wrapping this prank up after our meeting.

I think all of you can imagine how this meeting went. Marcellino and I were determined not to break. We swore that we would not crack up, not break character; we were to take it as seriously as Dan was going to deliver. We basically wanted to hear him ask us (two guys he knew really well) if we were forcing our initiates to circumcise themselves in order to gain entrance to the Lawless Heirs. Other rumors that reached him were that we made our initiates bathe in chicken blood and swim across the school canal lengthwise (the canal was regularly infested with alligators) and that we had the initiates bring back bones from graveyards. These, of course, we wanted to be accused of; but our real interest lay in the circumcision accusations (since our household is dedicated to St. Paul, who almost singlehandedly ensured that Christians would not have to circumcise themselves).

Despite our mutual swearing, we started cracking up almost immediately after sitting across the table from Dean Dentino. I mean, he looked like he was deathly serious. Which was unfortunate, because he knew he was about to ask us questions which I doubt any school official had had to ask for...2000 years. And we knew the same thing was coming, which as you might imagine was the funniest thing we could think of. It didn't help Dan that Luke Condit, who was the Director of Residence Life, was also there and cracked up even more than Marcellino and I. But we were determined. We were not going to give up the game until he actually asked the words.

So we all stumbled about the issue for about 15 minutes. Dan would ask us what our initiation practices were, and we would give ultra-generic answers. Marcellino began with "Well, we pray sometimes." I followed this with, "We also share about our pasts." Marcellino continued: "And we talk about, like, going to mass and stuff." Which I heartily agreed with: "Yeah, we definately talk about mass."

You can see how helpful we were being.

So this kind of beating around the bush was, in and of itself, quite hilarious, as we knew what Dan and Luke were trying to do. They were trying to get us to say that we did absolutely nothing that my injure or endanger our initiates, in order that Dan would not have to ask You could see the dread in his eyes. He didn't want to ask. But at the same time he was growing curious, as I could not control myself and ended up laughing nearly every other sentence. Marcellino and I also started dropping lines like, "Initiation is a serious event which requires real sacrifice. We need to know if these guys are serious...and there needs to be some sign of completion." Of course, we couldn't deliver this with a straight face. Luke was also laughing, and eventually all the roundabout questions that could have ever been asked were asked. An awkward silence commenced. They were either going to ask, or they weren't. After about a minute, Luke took a deep breath and asked:

"Guys...are you following the new or the old law?"

Marcellino and I exchanged deliberately blank glances (we practiced beforehand).

Luke and Dan exchanged meaningful glances.

Luke cleared his throat. "What I mean to say is..."

But he couldn't do it. Which made me and I Lino laugh even harder.

I finally turned to Luke and said, "Are you asking us, the Lawless Heirs, a household dedicated to St. Paul, if we practice ritual circumcision?!?!"

I swear, Dan turned pasty white. It was the best. thing. EVER.

So we pulled out copies of the above emails, told him he'd been pranked bad, and walked out with the greatest sense of satisfaction I'd achieved in some time. All of the above is a completely true story. The only question is...what will people believe about us next? ;D. MAY THE LAWLESS HEIRS LIVE OUT THEIR DESTINY WITH GREAT HUMOR AND INTENSE ZEST FOR LIFE!!!

Seeing as it's 1:30am, I think it's bed time. And if I wake up at 3am...I'm gonna be pissed.

Friends and Followers